I have spent too many years thinking that I was some kind of freak because I liked spanking, a lot, and it just wasn’t “normal.”  Well with the help of some really amazing internet friends I have been shown the error in my thinking. I may have certain likes and dislikes different than the so called average Joe but that does mean I am any kind of freak at all. I share the love of spanking and can deal with the desire to find and spank the right women, or even to put my own butt on the line. I may not agree with all the tenets of feminism but if I can admit I need a good spanking, and will bends over willingly, who in the world could be harmed by that. If a woman does that she does not give up her right to say when and where but might get spanked here and now.

Still in Califonialand, trying to turn a few computer ideas into income and stopping to see my mom. She has decided that she no longer is interested in eating. She will drink ensure and eat an occasional cookie but that’s about it. I went to see her this morning and she thought I was my brother. Hey, I’m your favorite I wanted to say, but at least she thought I was related. She was always the strong Italian Matriarch. She said forgetaboutit, with her it was not an affectation, and she used that phrase like a weapon and a shield. She still has a firm grip and holds my hand with strength but inside I know that time is getting short.

Deep inside me I know my mother is a strict Catholic and will never bend. I like to think that she could appreciate the new, open me and not assume that I was going to my eternal damnation. I like to think that she would still favor me as her little boy without thinking that I was any kind of weirdo. I know that I would still have her love even if I did really bad things but the way I have been living a lie would bother her more than if I just was myself. I like to think that my mom would be proud of me for standing up for myself and living the life I wanted despite the Pope and Church.

She will probably never tell me this but I can hear her say just forgetaboutit because I love you.

Sorry but it has been a tough week.

CS