The colonoscope is a thin, flexible tube that ranges from 48 in. (122 cm) to 72 in. (183 cm) long. A small video camera is attached to the colonoscope so that your doctor can take pictures or video of the large intestine (colon). The colonoscope can be used to look at the whole colon and the lower part of the small intestine.

You will need to take off most of your clothes. You will be given a gown to wear during the test. You may lie on your left side with your knees pulled up to your belly. The doctor will gently put a gloved finger into your anus to check for blockage. Then he or she will put the thin, flexible colonoscope in your anus and move it slowly through your colon. The doctor can look at the lining of the colon through the scope or on a computer screen hooked to the scope.

Yes I have been through this procedure many times, for me it was an annual event, like a birthday, but more a pain in the butt. I think I was advised about making sure that I wore clean underwear but this is an unusual case. What about a quickly scheduled test. I am sure that My Doc has probably seen many things but showing up for a test like this with a bright red ass or even lines just makes me wonder how I can account for my current condition. Has any spanko ever been asked “excuse me but are you abused at home”?

I just have to replay the conversation in “Ghost Town” from IMDB. Bertram Pincus is played by Ricky Gervais (one of his best).

Hospital Nurse: Date of birth?
Bertram Pincus: Why?
Hospital Nurse: What day were you born?
Bertram Pincus: No, I understood the question. Why do you need to know that?
Hospital Nurse: Let’s leave it blank. Weight?
Bertram Pincus: Last night or this morning?
Hospital Nurse: You pick.
Bertram Pincus: Hundred eighty-two pounds.
Hospital Nurse: Number of alcoholic beverages consumed per week?
Bertram Pincus: Why do you need to know that?
Hospital Nurse: Well, they want to know.
Bertram Pincus: Well, I’m sure “they” want to know a lot of things, but I don’t want my intimate details auctioned off to the highest bidder,willy-nilly.
Hospital Nurse: I’ll put zero. Marital status?
Bertram Pincus: Pass.
Hospital Nurse: Profession?
Bertram Pincus: Irrelevant.
Hospital Nurse: Food allergies?
Bertram Pincus: I’m not going to be eating here.
Hospital Nurse: Are you allergic to sticking plaster?
Bertram Pincus: What a ludicrous question. I’m not answering any more of these, really.
Hospital Nurse: Do you smoke?
Bertram Pincus: Stop it.
Hospital Nurse: Do you wear dentures?
Bertram Pincus: Madame, listen.

Hospital Nurse: When was the last time you ate?
Bertram Pincus: A pertinent question at last. Yesterday, lunchtime. Thanks for asking. I had a tuna sandwich. Toast was soggy, but…
Hospital Nurse: Did you drink the laxative solution?
Bertram Pincus: Yes.
Hospital Nurse: Did it work?
Bertram Pincus: It was as advertised.
Hospital Nurse: Did you evacuate your bowls?
Bertram Pincus: I drank copious amounts of drain-cleaning fluid. What followed was fait accompli.
Hospital Nurse: Sir, what I’m asking is if you were…
Bertram Pincus: I shat. Okay? Good. Again and again. It was like a terrorist attack down there in the darkness and the chaos,the running and the screaming, okay?
Hospital Nurse: Fine with me.
Bertram Pincus: Good.
Bertram Pincus: Gross invasion of my privacy, this.

Admitting Nurse: Wait’ll they get you in the back.

Now I know this is fiction but how often does reality mirror fiction. There is a section of the paperwork required for this procedure called lifestyle. The last question in this section is “Do you feel safe at home? Yes, I have a nightlight and a glock, are you satisfied?

I am waiting for the addition of other queries to this section.

Do you obey traffic rules and always wear you safety belt?

Do you floss after eating?

When are you going to quit (fill in this blank)?

Do you eat fast food more than twice a week?

I think I made my point.

CS